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The Gospel According to Matthew - Chapter 2

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Some magi from the East followed a glowy star to Jerusalem and asked, "where's the baby king of the Jews? We came to worship him," 'cause that's how you greet people when you traipse on into their city huntin' down a fresh, potentially royal baby. Meanwhile, if someone rings my doorbell ... Word of this got to King Herod, who wasn't happy, because now there's a baby dubbed King of the Jews, which in turn would challenge Herod's claim that he was King of the Jews. He thought to himself, "I am now in a power struggle with a literal baby. What should I do?" So naturally, he gathered all his priests and boffins and asked them where the Messiah was to be born (y'know, as one does when ruling a kingdom). They told him about a prophecy that explained he'd be born in Bethlehem. "Cool," said King Herod, and he summoned the magi and asked exactly when the star appeared. "Go find him and then let me know so I can go worship ...
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The Gospel of Matthew - Chapter 1

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A bunch of generations of people bumped uglies over the course of a long span of time. Fourteen generations connected Abraham to David. Fourteen more generations connected David to the Babylonian exile. Fourteen more connected the exile to the Messiah. Forty-two generations from Abraham to Jesus. "lol I TOLD you." --Deep Thought There was a teenage girl called Mary who was betrothed to a dude called Joseph. Before they were wed, the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary and Joseph was considering divorce but an angel said "nah don't do that, homie. She's not lying, it was God, and she's gonna give birth to a son. Call him 'Emmanuel' ('God with us') and do your best at dadding the Messiah. Can't imagine it's gonna go well for you if you screw up the son of God. He's got such a history of being cool about stuff, y'know? It'll be fiiiiiine. Here, have some myrrh or something." So Joseph married Mary and the two of them waited to b...
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